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  • Writer's pictureColleen

I love the way I lie

Updated: Nov 24, 2018

Sometimes I have one of those moments where I feel like I say the exact right thing at the exact right time and I'm so beyond proud of myself I could cry. Mostly because I'm just shocked at my ability to think on my feet despite lack of sleep, nutrition, water, etc. I consider it to be a super power really.

Like this one time, I caught Belle saying "fucking Christ" which is absolutely NOT ok. I was somewhere around 8 months pregnant and had no control over my emotions or sanity and when she repeated it over and over I couldn't help but laugh. But, as any great mom would do, I stifled that laugh. I pushed it down and fought hard to make my face not smile. I stifled it so good that tears came out of my eyes and I peed my pants a little. So when she asked me what was wrong and why I was crying, I said "it makes Mommy so sad to hear you say such bad words." And she never said it again.

While that was truly a shining mom moment in my book, it's not my proudest moment. It happened the summer Belle turned 3. Three is the WORST (more on that another day). Not only did I have B who had just entered the 7th ring of hell - I mean the third year - but I had a newborn, too. I was completely exhausted all the time so I relied on my quick thinking superpower quite a bit to get shit done. I told B whatever I needed to just get through the day. Yes, Curious George is real. Yes, you can eat 9879 popsicles. Sure, you can play for 47 more minutes, you have no concept of time so your 47 is the exact same as my 5. Whatever.

But the thing about Belle is she's wild. Some people say they have "free range kids" I have a feral kid. She's wild to her core and I swear she loves to be outside more than anyone I know. Half the time I expect to look out my kitchen window and see her dancing naked around a fire like something out of Lord of the Flies. At this point I don't even think I'd do a doubletake. In the summer she's always naked when she's at home - we have a pool and she hates putting her suit on and off and she hates it when her clothes get wet from playing with the hose, so for her, naked is just easier. But for me, I can't handle the gross factor. Kids are dirty! Especially in the summer. All the dirt and sunscreen and bugs. I can't. Plus, as she continues to get older I feel like I should start to enforce the idea of wearing clothes a bit more? I don't know. Again, I'm learning as I go here.

So one summer day last year I was trying to convince her to at least put on a pair of underwear while she played on her swings and dug in the dirt and she said "No Mommy, I don't wear underwear anymore."

Oh, hell no. Nope. Not ok. I couldn't let my daughter get into that habit. Next thing you know she'd be one of "those girls" who still doesn't wear underwear in college. I needed to end this TODAY if there was any hope left for her. And that is when my super power kicked in.

"You have to wear underwear," I said. "If you don't, bugs will crawl inside your butt and live there forever."

Over the next few weeks she wore two pairs of underwear at a time. #myjobhereisdone #success #momwin

Photo is prior to her discovering double-undies

Pausing mid barefoot fire dance to enjoy a roasted marshmallow

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